Our community’s most marginalized deserve a unified nation

As Indian trauma-focused therapists with a social justice bent, I deeply believe that one of our most important roles is to continue to support our most traumatized clients as they heal from the shadows of their heritage. We have a responsibility as systemic-focused healers to advocate for more opportunities and empowerment across the board for a less fragmented, more unified nation, which is still very young and healing from the most basic survival trauma of rising from abject poverty and malnourishment.

As a social-justice focused therapist, I believe the most educated must reach the least privileged. I enjoy working with sociopolitical ideologies of all sorts, even if I don’t agree with them and work across the board with people and organizations of all political leanings who ask me to come in and do a workshop on trauma work and the Indian mind (from “far-right”, “centre” to “radical left” to put in western terms). There are anti-caste leanings in a majority of these spaces and it is not even an argument anymore to even suggest that someone believes they *should* be allowed to discriminate someone on the basis of their caste. It is known that caste-based discrimination is a regressive Hindu problem (shadow) that has been loudly declared as wrong for years together, which is why the majority of this community, across caste lines has been wanting access to education, money, power and more on equal grounds.

Nothing is more immature currently than Indian leftist politics, its understanding of what is happening in the Hindu majority’s grassroots mind and the speed at which it is losing its membership because of its absolute idiocy. It is worrying to say the least as someone who advocates for values on all ends of the spectrum.

Where the American Left and the Indian Left differ, is that atleast the former wants its own nation to progress through inclusive change of some sort. The Indian Left however is increasingly seeming completely uninterested in any form of national integration/growth, even at a college-ideas level and when asked for solutions, their options are more theorizing, vague accusations around the same flat idea of “power” and cancelling of even more parts of their own selves with little interest in any nuance. Cutting off your ability to even want to understand religion in a religious nation is just plain nonsense, and people are going to continue to run away from you.

Thank you, Kushal Mehra for naming these themes in simple, blunt language.

#indianpolitics#mentalhealthmatters#godeeper #nationalintegration #bharat #diversityisourstrength

Navigating Friendships when you’re the ‘Helper Type”

Fuse
Feeling lost in empathy land?
Reflecting on this past week, conversations with therapist/helpers/social worker types of friends across genders:
Seems like there’s a pattern in the lives of these folks (including me) of being a kind of one-sided emotional sink for our friends. People from our communities seek us out for our listening/ empathic skills and look to us for advice about their lives on love, parenting, grief, sex etc. This is wonderful. Being generous with our time in community is a gift to this world. But there’s also a whole negative aspect to this- and that is, this one sidedness. While I understand that empathic listening or solution finding might not be a strength for many, a reciprocal give and take of care is absolutely essential in relationship.These past few years, I’ve had to say goodbye to many such one sided friendships. It took a while to learn how to compassionately communicate the problem to my friends and let myself not be guilty for distancing myself from friends who did not understand.

Here are some tips if you find yourself in a similar position:

– Is someone that reaches out to you only about themselves really your “friend”? Have you defined for yourself what friendship is?

– Notice in yourself the tendency to reply to cries of help immediately. Before replying, ask – what is my intention with this person? Then, wait atleast 20 minutes before you reply.

PROCESS TIP:

If your friend seems to be not receptive to your help and you’ve spent 10 minutes of your day talking or texting with them, about their problem, ask them what exactly they are looking for, from you. If they communicate what they need and you can offer it, do it. Then let them know a bit about yourself.
Talk about your feelings, your thoughts.

Notice their response. Did they reciprocate? Did they ask about you? Did the conversation become about your day/your feelings/your relationship stuff too?

– If not, scroll back to your communication with this friend and check, have they been asking about you this past month at all? Is this a habit for them to reach out to you spontaneously, talk, seek help and say goodbye, without ever checking in on you? How does that make you feel? Have you enabled them to depend on you as their emotional sink?

– Often people will assume that the ‘helper type’ is strong and doesn’t need anything in return. The assumption is that if they need help they will ask. But I know, for a fact, we don’t ask. Due to our own childhood stuff, we have trouble asking/ we ask out of pent up resentment and then explode/snap. So, ask yourself- what blocks you from asking for support in return? If the answer is that this friend isn’t able to provide you the support you need too, then why are they your friend?

– Creating better dynamics for yourself will make space for you to welcome people who truly care about you too. Trust me, there are people like that out there and they can only come into your life, if you allow yourself the care and respect that you deserve.

 

Yes and No

32105542_10155639085261139_3588825112909971456_o (1).jpg
Question 1- I’ve been getting a lot this week: What are healthy boundaries really, in a close relationship/friendship? What if I say yes, but I mean, no? Does having a sense of what I need make me selfish when others don’t meet me there?

My answer: Healthy boundaries are beautiful, open, porous exchanges between people that are willing to truly understand each other and themselves in relation to each other. Healthy boundaries are meant to be changed, renegotiated, reconversed because needs change, life changes, time changes us. They take effort and work, and care to keep up but once they exist, you feel loved and understood in a way that makes you feel like someone truly has your back as you have theirs.

What are boundaries that are unhealthy?

From “Yes doesn’t count if you can’t say No” (Googling this article will help):
– :

Whenever you give up what is most important to you in order to either get what you need, or to keep the peace, you are allowing your boundaries to be violated.
– :
Ask yourself if you knowingly or unknowingly violate your partner’s boundaries by taking advantage of a lack of clarity on their part. This is too common- “oh, they are unclear and needy of me, let me just get what I need from them until they clarify”
:
When there is no opportunity to negotiate, when boundaries become walls without conversation
. – :
When you communicated to your best and your friend/partner just does not want to meet you there, responds with defense after defense or blames you for “making things difficult”.

– :
When you or they overpromise/underdeliver and don’t have or are unwilling to consistently learn how to negotiate differences.
:
#therapy #learn #grow #becomebetter #dobetter#boundaries #no #yes #culture #relationship